The One With The Wrackspurts
by diggory53191
Summary: Snape, Lily, Sirius, Remus, Tonks, and Luna Lovegood's mother in the Harry Potter version of the FRIENDS pilot. PURE CRACK :


A/N: Crack!Fic! Parody of the FRIENDS pilot HP style! Slight DH spoilers.

For the sake of the story, Tonks is a little older than her actual age, and Severus didn't choose to be a Death Eater- but is still working for DD as a spy. Oh! And Luna's mother makes an appearance as Sunny... and this explains why Luna is a little strange herself.

Set around '81?

(And I promise I didn't forget all about "Flashback." Sorry for those who have been waiting :()

_So no one told you life was gonna be this way..._

* * *

In Centaur Perk, some butterbeer and tea house in the heart of the Wizarding city New Yorkshire, lies four up and coming wizards, lazily taking a break from what they're actually supposed to be doing...

INT. CENTAUR PERK, BUTTERBEER AND TEA HOUSE- DAY, RAINY.

TONKS

There's nothing tell really, he's just some bloke I met at the bookstore.

SIRIUS

He was in a _bookstore_. There's got to be something wrong with him.

LUPIN

Alright Padfoot, be nice. So does he have a cane, a cane and a glass eye?

SUNNY

Wait, does he believe in Nargles?

(Everyone stares at her, bemused)

SUNNY

Just, because, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Xenophilius, oh!

TONKS

Ok everyone, just calm down. It wasn't even a date! Honestly, we just went out... he let me ride his broom.

LUPIN

Sounds like a date to me.

(TIME LAPSE- CUT TO SAME SET)

LUPIN

Right, so I'm back at Hogwarts, standing in the middle of the Great Hall, and I'm bloody naked.

ALL

Oh yeah, I've had that dream

LUPIN

Then I look down, and there's a chocolate bar... there.

SIRIUS

Instead of...

LUPIN

That's right.

SIRIUS

Never had that dream.

SUNNY

No.

LUPIN

All of a sudden, it starts unwrapping itself. Now I'm not sure what to do, everybody's starting to stare and-

TONKS

They weren't staring at you before?

LUPIN

It's nice you know, milk chocolate, and... I'm not happy. Which is weird because... I love chocolate!

(TIME LAPSE- CUT TO SAME SET. SNAPE has now entered)

SNAPE

(Mortified) Hullo.

SIRIUS

This guy says hullo, I want to kill myself!

TONKS

Are you alright?

SNAPE

I feel like someone shoved their wand down my throat, forced Bertie Botts, the vomit kind, into my already penetrated mouth, and showed me pictures of Argus Filch… naked.

LUPIN

Chocolate?

TONKS

(Explaining to others) Lily's getting married today.

SIRIUS

Ohh.

LUPIN

(To SNAPE) It's been almost ten years; you never told her how you felt?

SNAPE

...

TONKS

(To SNAPE) Let me fetch you some tea.

SUNNY

(Plucking at air in front of SNAPE) Oh. Oh!

SNAPE

No, no stop cleansing my aura! Leave my aura alone! I will be fine!

SUNNY

Fine! Be murky!

SNAPE

Really, everyone. I hope she will be happy.

TONKS

No you don't.

SNAPE

No I don't. To hell with Potter!

SIRIUS

He's the new captain of the Chudley Cannons!

SNAPE

Why does everyone keep fixating on that?!

LUPIN

Sometimes I wish I married the captain of the Chudley Cannons. Did I say that out loud?

SIRIUS

Look Snivillus-

SNAPE

Thank you Black.

SIRIUS

Look _Snape_. You're hurting. There's a lot of pain under that greasy head of hair. You know what the answer is?

SNAPE

What?

SIRIUS

Fairies! Hot, small, and cheap!

SNAPE

I don't want fairies! I want green eyes! I want red hair and women named after flowers! I want-

(LILY enters the room in a wet wedding dress)

LUPIN

And I want a million galleons! (Extending his hand hopefully)

TONKS

Lily?

LILY

Oh Merlin, Tonks hi! I just went to your flat and this guy with a huge ax said you might be here and you are, you are!

WAITRESS

Can I get you some tea?

TONKS

(Pointing at Lily) Firewhiskey. I hope you still recognize everyone ever since you and James took off.

LILY

Oh of course! Sirius, Remus! Oh I do apologize about the wedding! James did mean to send out an invitation.

LUPIN

That's quite alright, seeing that it doesn't really matter since you're here... and wet.

TONKS

And this is Sunny!

LILY

Oh of course, Xenophilius has mentioned you before!

TONKS

And you remember Severus.

LILY

Sev! Oh my, I hadn't expected you to be here...

(They go to hug, but SNAPE's cloak gets stuck to the couch. He sits down, deflated again.)

TONKS

A lot of things have changed since you and James left. So… are you planning on telling us now, or are expecting wet bridesmaids?

LILY

Oh, it started about an hour before the wedding. I was in the room were they kept all the gifts, and everywhere I looked... there were brooms. New brooms, bludgers, posters, jerseys. It was as if the Chudley Cannons vomited all over the room! And amongst all of the... merchandise, there was this cauldron. This beautiful onyx cauldron, and then I realized. I realized I had appreciated this cauldron more than James and I- I just had to get out of there. Then I started wondering. Why am I here? I didn't spend seven years at Hogwarts just to be some trophy wife! (To TONKS) So anyway, that's when I left, and I didn't know where to go. And I know that it's been years since I've seen you all... but you were the only ones I knew who lived around the city.

TONKS

Who weren't invited to the wedding.

LILY

Oh… I was really hoping that wouldn't be an issue...

INT. TONKS' FLAT- DAY.

(ALL present and watching DOLORES UMBRIDGE on a talk show)

SNAPE

Is it me, or is the pink actually radiating off the screen?

LILY

(On the phone) No James, I'm sorry. I really am! Oh really? Well I hope you and your precious teammates do win the championship! No I will not appear at your latest press conference!

(The scene on the TV has changed to a close up of UMBRIDGE)

SUNNY

(To TV) My best friends are tiny cats.

LUPIN

(To TV) She should _not_ be wearing those trousers.

SIRIUS

I say, push her off the stage.

SUNNY, SIRIUS, LUPIN, SNAPE

Push her off the stage! Push her off the stage!

(She gets pushed off the stage, they cheer)

LILY

(Re phone) Look, I thought I was ready. I thought it was where I was supposed to be too, but now... (Rolls her eyes and covers the phone. To SIRIUS and LUPIN) James says hullo!

LUPIN

Tell him were not interested.

SIRIUS

I hope he falls off his bloody Nimbus 1000 the first game!

LILY

(Re phone) They can't wait until your first game! Listen James. Ever since I was eleven, I wanted to do something with my abilities... I just don't think being your armrest would be doing anything for the Wizarding World! Well it matters to me! Fine! I hope you'll be happy when wake up next to your bloody broom instead of me in the morning! I don't care about your house! Well maybe… maybe I'll just stay here with Tonks-

TONKS

Well I guess we've established that she's staying here with good old Tonks.

LILY

That's my decision. Well maybe I don't need your money. Wait, wait, I said maybe! (Hangs up)

(CUT TO SAME SET)

(LILY conjures up a paper bag and starts to breathe into it)

TONKS

It'll be alright... just you know, sing a little song, whatever you told me those Muggle movies said to do.

SUNNY

(Singing) Double, double, toil and trouble! Doub-

(TONKS and LILY turn to look at her)

LILY

Really, I'm all better now.

SUNNY

You're welcome! (Walks to the guys) I helped!

TONKS

This is for the best! Y'know? Take control of your life! Want me to dye your hair?!

SIRIUS

And if you need any help, you do remember who was voted most popular next to James seventh year...

TONKS

It's her wedding day!

SIRIUS

What, like there's a rule or something?

(The door buzzer is heard and buzzed repeatedly)

LUPIN

Please do not do that again, it's a _terrible_ sound.

GILDEROY

Greetings! It's Gilderoy!

TONKS

Buzz him in!

SIRIUS

Who's Gilderoy?

SNAPE

Gilderoy Lockhart, the author?

TONKS

Maybe.

SIRIUS

Wait a moment, you're not-a-real-date is with Gilderoy Lockhart, that guy with the floppy blonde hair, the one whose books you've been reading _all the time_?

SNAPE

He finally asked you out?

TONKS

Yes! Lily, I can cancel tonight if you'd-

LILY

No, no! Don't be silly!

TONKS

(To SNAPE) So I guess this means Lily will be in the flat... _alone _tonight!

(There's a knock at the door. LUPIN gets it and gives out a quiet growl)

TONKS

Hi come in! Gilderoy, this is... everybody. Everybody, this is Gilderoy!

ALL

Gilderoy! Hi! I love your books! Gilderoy Lockhart!

LUPIN

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name, Gilderoy, was it?

TONKS

Alright. Erm... I'll just be- I'll be right back, I just got to go-

SNAPE

Conjure up some verbs?

TONKS

Change! Alright, sit down. (Shows GILDEROY in) Two minutes.

(TONKS goes to change)

SIRIUS

Hey Lockhart.

GILDEROY

Yes, my less unworthy friend?

SIRIUS

Tonks really likes it when you call her Nymphadora-

TONKS

(Yelling from her bedroom) Shut up Sirius!

SUNNY

(Whispering to SIRIUS) This can't be good. He's covered in Wrackspurts!

SNAPE

Lily...

LILY

Merlin Sev, are you alright?

SNAPE

(Covering up) Yes, yes. I just, I just wanted to know what you were up to tonight...

LILY

Well, I _was_ going to be in Atlantis tonight for my honeymoon, so now, nothing!

SNAPE

Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.... oh! No, no, it's a good thing because Atlantis, this time of year, it's quite... wet. (Thinks) Anyway, if you don't want to be alone tonight, Lupin and Black are helping me move into my quarters at Hogwarts.

SIRIUS

(Deadpan) And we're very excited about it.

LILY

Well thank you, but... I think I'm just going to sit around here for the night. It's been a long day.

SNAPE

(Clearly let down) Oh, alright, sure.

SIRIUS

Hey Sunny! Do you want to help us tonight?

SUNNY

Oh no thanks. Severus' place is full of Nargles.

EXT. PLATFORM 9 ¾- AFTERNOON

SUNNY

(Singing) Love is sweet as cold butterbeer, love is a magical work of art, but your love oh your love you love... is like a giant hypogriff... crapping on my heart. La la la la (Some guy gives her a galleon) (Spoken) Thank you! (Singing) la la la la la. Oooooh....

INT. HOGWARTS, SNAPE'S QUARTERS- NIGHT.

SNAPE

Take down that ridiculous Gryffindor poster for the love of God.

LUPIN

Yes... Professor...

(SIRIUS makes it vanish and makes it reappear when SNAPE looks away. LUPIN throws them drinks)

SNAPE

(Clutching it) This is Lily's favorite kind...

SIRIUS

Hey-hey-hey, if you're going to start with all that, we're out of here.

LUPIN

Yes, _please_ don't spoil all this _fun_.

SIRIUS

Let me ask you a question Snape. You were there for her, well except those couple of years after during and after fifth year. Oh man, were you creepy, Merlin!

(SNAPE narrows his eyes)

CUT TO INT. RESTAURANT- NIGHT

TONKS

Merlin!

GILDEROY

Yes, and then after I slayed the dragon, they made me king of their

tiny country!

TONKS

Bloody hell you're-

GILDEROY

Amazing, brilliant, handsome, mult-talented, geniou-

(Cut to LILY on the phone)

LILY

James, James I'm so sorry. I really do hope you're happy. I'll be watching you on the telly and honestly, it's not you, it's me and I ju- (stops talking and dials) Sorry, machine cut me off again!

(Cut to SNAPE and the guys)

SNAPE

And the sad part is, she's never looked at me that way! It's always been James... and that Snape kid on Spinner's End with the greasy hair! And what if, what if there's only one woman for everyone?

SIRIUS

One woman? One woman? That's like saying there's only one _wand_ for everyone!

LUPIN

Excellent metaphor my friend.

SIRIUS

Thanks. What if your wand breaks? What if you lose it in battle? My friend, there's Thestral hair, phoenix feathers! _One woman_? Move on Snape!

LUPIN

(Seriously) Bloody hell Sirius. I can't find _my_ wand!

SIRIUS

What's that in your hand?

LUPIN

That's a chocolate bar.

(CUT TO RESTAURANT)

TONKS

Kingsley.

GILDEROY

Yes.

TONKS

Moody.

GILDEROY

Yes.

TONKS

Dumbledore?

GILDEROY

Within seconds.

TONKS

You mean to tell me that you've dueled and defeated each of those wizards?

GILDEROY

Of course. I'm brilliant!

(CUT TO INT. TONKS' FLAT- NIGHT)

LILY

(Flipping through the channels, unsatisfied) Lucky Muggles with their stupid romantic comedies!

(CUT TO THE GUYS)

SNAPE

Lily's the only wand I've ever had! And I lost her.

LUPIN

At least it wasn't made out of chocolate...

(SNAPE and SIRIUS look at him)

SNAPE

A new wand? I've had the same one since childhood!

SIRIUS

Great story! But I uh, I've got to go. I have a date with Elizabeth- Eleanor- Elizabeth... Oh man, (looks to REMUS)

LUPIN

Elizabeth's cries a lot; Eleanor turns into a cat when she gets too excited.

SIRIUS

Right. Thanks. It's Marianne. I'm outta here. (Exits)

LUPIN

Maybe you ought to give Lily a try.

SNAPE

It's her wedding day.

LUPIN

Not now, you know, when she's done eating dinner with that floppy haired twit-

SNAPE

Are you alright?

LUPIN

It's that time of month.

SNAPE

I'll fetch the Wolfsbane.

INT. TONKS' FLAT- NEXT MORNING

LILY

Now I don't know if you two will like this, it's what Muggles drink in the morning.

LUPIN

I'm sure we'd love it!

LILY

I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.

LUPIN

Actually, I believe it's, if I can defeat the Dark Lord, there isn't anything I can't do.

SIRIUS

Feel free to, you know, cook other Muggle foods like that circular thing with cheese and little red circles on top of it, oh! And that thing with the two pieces of bread, and meat and cheese in between, with the stuff that looks like blood, but it's made of tomatoes- and... (Sirius and Remus taste the coffee)

(Lily turns to cast a spell on the sink)

LILY

I hope you like it; it's the first time I've made it in years-

(The boys grimace and spit it back into the cup)

SIRIUS

It's great!

(TONKS exits her room)

ALL

Morning. Good morning.

TONKS

(To herself) Lovely. The mutts are here.

(GILDEROY exits the room)

SIRIUS

(Slyly) Hello Gilderoy.

LILY

Mr. Lockhart.

GILDEROY

Good morning congregation!

LUPIN

Gilderoy is it?

(TONKS shows GILDEROY out the door and sets a charm so that the other nosy three can't hear them. The other's levitate TONKS' table closer to the door so that they can get a better view)

GILDEROY

I had a lovely time.

TONKS

Me too.

GILDEROY

I'll be working in Transylvania, but I'll be sending an owl later this week.

TONKS

We'll talk soon.

GILDEROY

Yes. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)

SIRIUS

That wasn't a real date? What the hell do you do on a real date?

TONKS

Oh do shut up! (She points her wand at the table and it moves back)

LUPIN

Alright Padfoot, I believe Moody's waited long enough.

SIRIUS

Oh alright.

TONKS

Tell him I'll be running a bit late.

LILY

So, do you all work at the Order still?

TONKS

Yes, but Remus teaches Defense at Hogwarts from time to time, filling in for the poor sod who's stuck with the job.

LILY

Professor Lupin? Brilliant...

TONKS

Severus' still a bit bitter 'bout that, considering he knows so much about the subject. But Dumbledore wouldn't have it and gave him full time potions instead.

LILY

Of course.

TONKS

You should've seen Remus' last lecture. Brought out a boggart. Sirius came in to help demonstrate.

SIRIUS

You swore!

LUPIN

(Running out the door) "Help me Moody! There's roaches everywhere!"

(SIRIUS runs after him)

TONKS

So. How are you? (Smiling) Sorry, I'm so ah, bloody happy!

LILY

I can see that, your hair's been changing colors more than Sirius changes partners.

TONKS

Oh wow am I in trouble. Alright. I'm off to work. I'll see you soon.

LILY

Oh wish me luck!

TONKS

What for?

LILY

I'm going to see if I can get one of those... job things.

INT. NUMBER 12 GRIMMAULD PLACE- DAY

(TONKS enters the sitting room where ALICE LONGBOTTOM is reading a book)

ALICE

Hullo Tonks.

(REMUS walks in)

LUPIN

Alice. I hope you and Frank had a lovely time in China. Have you seen

Sirius?

ALICE

In the dining room with the Weasley's.

TONKS

So Alice! How _was_ China?

ALICE

Oh, you know, Frank got food poisoning. You won't believe how many times I had to cast Scourgify. So... who is it?

TONKS

Who's what?

(REMUS exits, but stays close to the door so he can hear.)

ALICE

The man you're seeing?

TONKS

Have you ever read anything by Gilderoy Lockhart?

ALICE

Oh alright, playing mysterious by changing the subject. You know, he was spotted with that Lestrange woman the other night. They're supposedly heading off to Transylvania together, best not tell Sirius. He hates anything that has to do with his family. Poor guy.

TONKS

Yes, poor guy.

INT. CENTAUR PERK- DAY

(Everyone but LILY is present.)

SIRIUS

(Sitting on the arm of a couch.) Bellatrix, the sod. She would. He's rich, she's... insane.

TONKS

Why, why why?

SNAPE

You're young. I can't find any answer more sophisticated than "to get you into bed."

TONKS

I hate men!

SUNNY

Oh no. Best not put hate into the universe.

TONKS

Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe problems can hear?

SIRIUS

Well I don't know. You sort of just described Moony over here-

(REMUS glares at him)

SUNNY

Alright now, it'll be alright. (She transfigures her an apple) Oh. I was really hoping for a cookie.

TONKS

I just thought, he was nice, y'know?

SIRIUS

(Bursts out laughing) Of all people! Bellatrix! He's certainly working his way into our family, huh Tonks?

(TONKS pushes him off the sofa as LILY enters with bags.)

LILY

Guess what?

SNAPE

You got a job?

LILY

Oh shoot, I forgot about that... no, I was at Diagon Alley...

LUPIN

The best stories always start off that way.

LILY

And Madam Malkin's had a sale for cloaks! (Takes out a new emerald cloak from a shopping bag) It's my,_ I don't need your house, I don't need your ego, I'm over you James Potter _cloak!

TONKS

How'd you get this?

LILY

Uh, with a Galleon Card.

TONKS

Whose Galleon Card?

LILY

Erm... James'.

INT. TONKS' FLAT- DAY

(The six of them are sitting at the long table. Lily's Galleon Cards are spread throughout the table.)

LILY

Oh, is this really necessary?

TONKS

You need to sever your ties with him.

LILY

But-

SUNNY

Give her a break, she's going through a tough time.

LILY

Thank you.

SUNNY

I remember when I first came to the city. My mother had recently died when she was experimenting with spells, and my father's a Muggle. So I really had no clue what to do. Hogwarts was my only home. So my father gave me his most prized possesion, a Muggle instrument called the guitar, and sent me off to the city with no money or food. So trust me, I know exactly how you feel.

(Pause)

SIRIUS

Anyway...

LUPIN

It'll be alright, Lily. You and James were together for how long?

SNAPE

Six years, three weeks, and five days.

TONKS

Alright. You ready?

LILY

No I'm not ready. How can I be ready? It's like, trying to fly without a broom!

SNAPE

Well, you used to fly without a broom! When we were kids... (quietly now) on the swings...

TONKS

You can do it! I know you can! You're Lily Evans! I looked up to you!

LILY

Oh I'm not so sure...

LUPIN

Come on, you made coffee! You can do anything! (He looks over at SIRIUS)

SIRIUS

Snape, what was that one cutting spell? Just chant that baby over the cards and were all set.

SNAPE

I'm not going to Sectumsempra Galleon Cards, Black.

(LILY takes out her wand)

SIRIUS

Cut, cut, cut, cut

(She hovers her wand over one of them and it gets cut in half)

ALL

Cut, cut, cut, cut...

(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)

TONKS

Welcome to the Wizarding World! It's a pain in the arse. You're gonna love it.

(Time lapse. Cut to TONKS' Flat. TONKS and LILY are on the couch watching television and SNAPE's reading a book.)

TONKS

(To SNAPE) You going to crash on the couch?

SNAPE

No, no. I have to report back to Hogwarts sometime.

TONKS

Will you be alright?

SNAPE

Eventually.

LILY

Hey Tonks. Look what I just found on the floor. (TONKS smiles) What?

TONKS

That's Gilderoy's book. You can just leave it be. Goodnight everyone.

SNAPE, LILY

Goodnight.

(TONKS sets GILDEROY's book on fire with her wand and goes into her room.)

SNAPE

Mmm. (They both reach for the last cookie) Oh, no-

LILY

Sorry.

SNAPE

Oh, no- you have it, really, I don't want it-

LILY

Split it?

SNAPE

Alright.

LILY

Okay. (They split it.)

SNAPE

I... I haven't spoken to you since fifth year.

LILY

Oh I remember.

SNAPE

I'm sorry.

LILY

Don't be. It seems that you've turned a new leaf.

(Pause)

SNAPE

You know you were probably not aware of this, but ever since the day at the playground, I..., I...

LILY

Oh I knew.

SNAPE

You did! Oh... I always figured you just thought I was your greasy haired friend.

LILY

I did.

SNAPE

Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense hatred for Potter be any kind of a factor here, but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?

LILY

Yeah, maybe...

SNAPE

Alright... okay... maybe I will..

LILY

You know for a Slytherin, that was very Gryffindor of you Sev.

SNAPE

Goodnight.

LILY

Goodnight.

(LILY goes into her room and TONKS enters the living room. SNAPE starts to exit)

TONKS

See ya... what- wait, what's with you?

SNAPE

I think I've found my wand. (SNAPE exits and TONKS is perplexed.)

CLOSING SCENES- INT. CENTAUR PERK- DAY

(Everyone but REMUS is present.)

SUNNY

Nargles! You know...

SIRIUS

I still don't really know what they are...

TONKS

So Lily, are you excited for Monday?

SUNNY

Ooh, what's Monday?

TONKS

Flitwick's going on vacation, Lily's going to be the new Charms Professor.

SIRIUS

Charms, huh?

LILY

Oh, I don't know, I'm a bit nervous.

TONKS

You'll be seeing plenty of nervous first years, that's for sure.

SIRIUS

Ah yes, probably one of the best aspects of teaching, if I ever taught.

LILY

I guess that's one of the perks.

SUNNY

Oh really, what's another?

LILY

Well I get to run into Severus from time to time.

(Pause)

SUNNY

(Counting) One, two... five... where's Remus?

SIRIUS

Oh it's a full moon tonight. He'll be back soon.

(Cut to REMUS apparating to a house in Transylvania. He knocks on the door.)

GILDEROY

Ah, Lupin, was it? Do you need an autogra-

(REMUS punches him in the face and knocks him out.)

LUPIN

Sorry about that.

(He throws a chocolate bar at him)

LUPIN

It helps. It really does.

(He flattens his cloak apparates away.)

(Cut back to Centaur Perk. Remus apparates in.)

LUPIN

Did I miss anything?

SIRIUS

Lily over here's teaching Charms at Hogwarts.

LUPIN

(Looking over at SNAPE) Wonderful, wonderful. (Pause) So. New dream. I'm at the Yule Ball. I'm Mrs. Norris.

_End_


End file.
